Here is a note from my friend Ben Brezina. His oldest daughter was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer back in the winter. Even though this has been a very heart wrenching trial for the whole family, it has been amazing to watch them walk out this journey with an amazing faith in God. Please be encouraged by Ben's heart as he shares what Father has been revealing to him through this journey.
It has been about six weeks now since the last time Katheryn had any chemotherapy or radiation. Even though the doctor visits and therapy sessions have continued, it has been nice to have a break from the cancer killing poisons entering her body and from all of us spending every day in hospitals, radiation rooms and cancer centers. Katheryn’s weight has inched up a couple pounds over the last few weeks through constant attention and continuous effort in enticing her to eat “just a few more bites.” She is still on anti-nausea medicine and appetite enhancers which, along with her healing process, causes tiredness. She has slept much over the last six weeks and on most days, is ready for bed by 6:30 or 7:00.
This afternoon, we go in for another MRI. These pictures are a critical piece of current brain cancer treatment. The MRI is like a status update. Where do we stand visibly in this fight against cancer? She has had several MRI’s already and will have many more over the next few years. It is both amazing to me and a huge blessing that we have access to a machine that can look inside her head and see if there is any cancer visibly growing again or if she is still appears free and clear.
Cancer is a disease which can be notoriously tough to eradicate. For all the stories of healing we have heard about, we have heard just as many where the cancer returns. Every child’s journey with cancer is unique. Katheryn’s type of cancer is particularly aggressive and has been known to regrow in under a month. Echoing in the back of my head is the memory of the doctor telling us that we have one really good shot at beating this type of cancer, but if there is a relapse, there is not much more they can do. So on the days leading up to MRI’s, there is always the temptation towards fear and doubt. Thoughts come into my head like: Are we going to find cancer today? What will happen if we do? These questions and concern for the unknown have come so many times over the last four months that I settled into a rhythm in handling them.
Most of my fear centers around losing precious little Katheryn or seeing her permanently debilitated. The feelings of fear are amplified by feelings of helplessness knowing that there is very little I can do to fix this. Even with the smartest doctors doing the best they can with what wisdom and skill they have been given, there are still around twenty percent of children who do not beat her type of brain cancer. Of the 80% who survive, many face moderate to severe disabilities from the treatment. I have learned that when I set my mind on these things, my stomach starts to get upset, my heart rate begins to rise, and it begins to feel harder to breath. Thankfully, there is a way out of this anxiety loop.
I have learned how to start using these physical symptoms in me as helpful indicators of my thoughts. The rhythm I am learning is to use the bodily effects of anxiety coming on as a trigger to quickly lead me into prayer. Through words spoken (either silently or out loud) I speak to God what I am thinking and fearing and desiring and present them to Him as a starting ground for conversation. I do not present them in a demanding way, or in a begging way, or in a bargaining way but in a hopeful way. Demanding, begging, or bargaining with God has never led me to inner peace. Praying in that way is essentially just one more way that I try to control a situation or circumstance that is outside my control to get what I think I need.
Instead, God is teaching me not to hope that everything that I desire will happen, but to hope in Him. As I bring each care and concern to God with trust in His goodness and love, He welcomes me in and begins to show me what He is doing in the world. (Philippians 4:6-7) He gives me glimpses of His infinate wisdom and His purposes. (Romans 11:33-34) He invites me to partner with Him in what He is doing. (1 Peter 4:10-12) He reminds me of His supernatural inner life He has given me to bear up and even be victorious in the midst of this trial. (Romans 8:35-39) He invites me to bring all my requests to Him and if they really are what’s best for me, He will delight in giving them to me. (Matthew 7:11) If they are not what is best, he asks me to trust Him that He has something better for me. (Romans 8:32, James 1:17) He invites me to think bigger than just today and tomorrow and invites me into His world of eternity past and eternity future. (Isaiah 55:8-10) It is in these conversations with God that the anxiety is exchanged for peace and joy is given in the midst of sadness.(Romans 15:13)
There is a story in the Bible that I have reflected on many times over the last few months. It is about an ancient Jewish king Hezekiah. Hezekiah loved God and trusted in Him. For this reason, he was one of the best kings Israel ever had. (2 Kings 18:5) When he was 39 years old, he became very sick. The prophet Isaiah came to him and told him to set his house in order because he was going to die shortly. Hezekiah wept bitterly and asked God to give him more years of life because of how much he had loved God and all the good that he had done in the land. God granted his request and gave him 15 more years. (2 Kings 20) But three years later, Hezekiah had a son named Manasseh who became king after him. Manasseh was the worst king Israel ever had. Manasseh murdered many innocent people and promoted so much idolatry that it devastated the land. This story is a great reminder to me of how limited our wisdom and desires can be when we look for our will and desires to be done.
I also think of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane on the night before he was crucified. Knowing he was to die the next day, He asked God if there was another way. He told God of His desire to be spared from everything that He was to suffer the next day. But in Jesus’ prayer he added that He wanted the Father's will to be done, not his own. (Matthew 26:39) The Father did not grant an extension of days for Jesus, but instead brought salvation to the world and great joy and rewards to Jesus. (Hebrews 12:2, Philippians 2:8-10)
So today as we head out to this next MRI, I am using every anxious thought as a opportunity to talk with God and receive from Him the grace and mercy for what He has for us today. (Hebrews 4:16) I am thankful for all of you who have used what is going on with little Katheryn as an opportunity to talk with the Heavenly Father about Katheryn and our family. I am thankful for all the requests that are being made on our behalf. We know many of you are praying for us daily if not hourly. Thank you! We feel your prayers in our spirit and know that they are powerful and effective. (James 5:16) We are asking God for another clean scan today with an open hand and a trusting heart.
Blessings, Ben
