I have never
met a person who does not struggle. Yes, there are those who are better at
hiding it than others. I should know, I had a nice shiny mask to wear when I
didn’t want you to see me struggle.
One of the biggest struggles of my life had to do with what I believed regarding my standing with God. When
I was 21, I was two weeks away from moving to North Florida to attend a
ministry college. I attended a youth camp with some younger guys. On the last
night of camp, the camp pastor preached a sermon from Matthew 13 regarding the
parable of the wheat and tares. By the end of the sermon, I had this
overwhelming feeling that I could be a tare. If you are not familiar with the
parable, the tare is the fake. I felt like a big fat fake! I heard this loud
accusation in my thoughts that I wasn’t really a Christian. This new thought
produced doubt at a level beyond what I could handle.
I spent the
next 12 years wrestling with this doubt. During that time, I battled with a
couple of major depression episodes and a lot of minor depression. The minor
depression become so familiar, most of the time I didn’t even realize I was
depressed. It was only coming out of it and looking back that I recognized the
depression.
What was
going on inside me during this time? I realize every person’s journey is their
own, but being human, we all struggle with the same root issues. We are all
driven to get our needs met. Of course, there are the obvious physical needs,
but I’m not talking about those. We have deep inner needs of love, worth,
significance, adequacy, and security. As I look back on that deep struggle, I
realize the struggle touched on all those needs. Without the assurance of my
salvation, being loved, worthwhile, significant, adequate, and secure came into
question. I didn’t walk around thinking about these needs, but I constantly
felt it.
We are all
constantly exposed to stressors. A stressor is anything we prefer to avoid.
They can be big or small. When we encounter a stressor, we immediately process
the stressor with our mind. In that processing, we consider past experiences
and feelings, and then we factor in the positives and negatives of the
stressor. We also contemplate as to how that stressor will affect
our future. All this processing leads to a belief. As soon as the belief is
formed, there will be an emotional and behavioral response. If the emotional
response is heavy, such as anger, depression, fear, anxiety, panic, etc., we
immediately want to resolve the heavy emotion. The awful emotions now become a
stressor that has to be resolved, along with the original stressor. This desire
for resolve also determines the behavioral response.
Without
understanding where the true battle lies, we all look back to the stressor as
the cause of our problem. Since the stressor is the problem, we attempt to
control the persons or situations that form the stressor. Of course, when
you attempt to control people or situations (which usually involve others), it
ultimately doesn’t work. When it doesn’t work, we repeat the cycle. This leads
to more conflict and control. Now we are trapped in a futile cycle that not
only hurts us, but hurts others in the process.
If the
stressor is not the problem, then what is the problem? The true battle takes
place in the mind. You will never experience a stressor-free life, but you can
experience a life with much less stress. Yes, you heard me right. Change, leading to victory, happens
when you and I are believing the truth. No matter what the stressor is, it is
possible to walk through that stressor believing the truth. Correct belief
won’t change the circumstances, but it will change you and me.
At the end
of that 12-year battle with doubt, there was an encounter with God where I started
believing the truth. That experience changed my life forever. Something happened at
the seminary that brought all my doubt to a head. I thought I had it under
control, so much so, I believed it was gone. When this moment came, the doubt
came crashing down like a mountain. I went before God and prayed something like
this:
God! I’m tired of this struggle. I
have done everything I can think of to make it go away. I have prayed to
receive you into my heart many times and nothing has changed. I’m still
struggling as much as ever. So, I have come to this conclusion: If I die and go
to hell, then that is where I go; if I die and go to heaven, then that is where
I go. My destination is out of my hands, it is totally up to You. Amen!
Something
happened in that instant. It was like a heavy fog lifted and the sun came out
shining very bright. For the first time in 12 years, I truly gave up. There was
this amazing peace that settled over me and into me. I heard
God speak in my mind. He said something like this, “Tom, I have waited for you
to realize that your security was never in your hands. You have been trying to
secure yourself, and you can’t - only I can! I have chosen you, to love you.
I only want you to believe and accept that.”
In that
instance of truth, God Himself met my needs for love, worth, significance,
adequacy, and security. I had been trying to secure these needs for myself. For
years, I wore the mask “good Christian,” but behind the mask was the belief
that I am not good. God’s truth in that moment crushed the lie and lifted me
out of my hole. Don’t miss this: God did it, not me!
We all
struggle with external battles that can become internal. We can’t control other
people or circumstances. People can say and do hurtful things to us. And certainly,
it does hurt. Living the life God meant for us is not about avoiding hurt and
loss. It is about living through it while being loved by our Father. The true
battle takes place in our mind. On one front of the battle is God speaking
truth that excites our God-desires. On the other front is the enemy with all
his lies that can tickle our ears and appeal to the flesh desires (Eph. 6:12). If
we listen to God, the battle ceases to be internal and then we can walk in
peace.
If you are
in Christ, the war is already won. You don’t have to fight these battles; the
enemy is defeated. You only have to believe the truth. Believing what God says
will change you!
“For though we live as human beings,
we do not wage war according to human standards, for the weapons of our warfare
are not human weapons, but are made powerful by God for tearing down
strongholds. We tear down arguments and every arrogant obstacle that is raised
up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to make it
obey Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:3-5, NET)
